They’re special, my friends (part two)

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“The type of friend you attract is determined by the type of friend you are.” #friendship

I’ve really believed this, and tried to live it for the last few years. I cannot tell you when it began. It started with a slow realization about all the people I’d hurt in the past through mood swings, things I’d said without thinking, or just for the heck.of it. There was times I was awful in school, even though I claimed I was a Christian. Once or twice it was because people egged me on to say things, and I wasn’t strong enough to say no. I was even worse when I was about 6 or 7 and onwards. I was a bossy little madam, among other things. I lost a lot of friends, as I did at other times too. It all stayed with me as I didn’t even try to change. I’ve said all this backwards.

Anyway, I gradually got to the stage where I really believe the kind of friend you are can help bring you the kind of friends you would like to have.  If you are happy in yourself, and generally peaceful, I’ve discovered this is helpful too.  I’m not sure what else. I also believe it works the way the quote says too. I have such amazing friends hopefully makes me a better friend too  I LOVE my friends. I wrote about them recently for a differently daily prompt and I can’t top what I said then. To every last one of you, thank you.

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This is a response to the daily prompt for 4/1/13

The day(s) I (almost) ‘kicked the bucket’

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Image

Almost, but not yet…

I have no clue what the 11th item on my bucket list is. (Today’s Daily Prompt). I don’t even have a bucket list! This even strikes me as odd. I’m not entirely sure why. My best guesses are that I’m not that ambitious. I’ve never had a wish to see the world, perhaps because I struggle with things like travel sickness. I’ve no idea what people would normally put on a bucket list. It’s also perhaps because in general, I’m more chilled than most about the end of life thing. I almost died a few times as a baby, as I was 12 wks premature and very ill, needing operations as a tiny baby. I’ve also been in a car accident, which I wasn’t badly hurt in, but the only reason for that is there was no traffic travelling in the opposite direction, or I may have been toast. Most recently, I had a life saving operation; the one which gave me the bag on my tummy. I’ve had to face it, which is part of why I’m not afraid. I also know where I’m going when I do die, the bigger part of why I’m unafraid.

So, what’s on a bucket list?

If I were to have a bucket list, I get it might include things like getting a book published, eventually, visiting friends in America, and I’m unsure what else. So over to you! What would be on your bucket list?

 

two days in…

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the days that changed my life

Holding on… Just!

I’ve never seriously made resolutions before, so I’ve never kept any. I’ve recognised things were lacking, such as the lack of discipline in my life, and I’ve fretted over it, at just the same time as a sermon on discipline in the believer’s life began on radio. Spooky… call it fate, call it a God-incidence… but I never seriously acted on it.
Two days in, how’s it going? Well, the third resolution (to write every day) is hanging by a thread! The intention was there, but due to the time difference. the ‘new post’ suggestion wasn’t there before I had to go out. I didn’t have inspiration of my own either as I often do.Once I got back, I fell asleep in my wheelchair for the whole evening… so frustrating! Getting up this early is my way of making up for that!

What about Resolutions one and two?

The other resolutions, to take weight loss seriously, and to have bible/prayer time every day are going ok. When I chose what I was going to eat yesterday, my carer was impressed at my menu choices of cordial and soda, and soup. What she doesn’t know is I finished the banana bread when I got home. Somehow that doesn’t feel so bad because it has a mixture of wholemeal and plain flour in it rather than just plain flour, so I’m sort of excusing it!
I did have Jesus time yesterday, though I kept falling asleep. I kept battling, so that I read a bit before I slept again rather than going straight back to sleep as I would before. Bit of battle already! Unfortunately, that’s how my life is at the moment. Intentional things get done if I manage to stay awake. Not impressed that I lost a whole evening to sleep as I have a fast approaching deadline, but there it is, no going back, only forwards!
Here’s to keeping the three resolutions this year. Just hanging in there. but that will have to do. I’m off back to bed, and hopefully to sleep. Otherwise I’d only raid the fridge again, as I did before I starting writing this. What did I just say about resolutions hanging by a thread?!

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Daily Prompt 2/1/13

’10…, 9…, 8….’

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A picture of a firework just as it explodes into multiple colours in the night sky.

On the stroke of midnight, I was where I (almost) always am. If you’d asked me at midday if I would be where I wanted to be I’d probably had scoffed and said I’d rather be anywhere else, but preferably with my family. I always miss them, but I especially missed them last night. I’ve spent 29 New Years Eve’s with them. This one was different. At midday, I’d have told you the telly would be rubbish and I would rather have been with my parents at the watch-night service.

All evening I missed them. All evening I was restless, thinking of a friend hundreds of miles away at a watch-night  service with their family in their city, and another at a party, others still were with family, or chilling out with boyfriends by their side. I longed to be anywhere but here. Fed up, I asked my carer to help me get into bed.

Still restless an hour later, up I got, searching the channels for something to watch. I saw Alan Carr make a right idiot of himself on his own show, smashed and swearing, a humour-full self-depreciating kind of drunk. One of his guests, I am unsure who, quipped that most hosts of most shows would use ‘fake’ booze, but not him! By this point, the show was in the midst of an end-of -year quiz, which required Carr to wear a penguin suit.

I have NEVER seen anything like it. Well worth a watch on ‘4-o-D’. Anyways, next moment, Carr’s on the floor and all panelists rush to his aid. Queue jokes about ‘accidently-on-purpose’ falling so the pretty girls would come to his aid. Wrong gender, obviously! He’s only just up on his feet when over he goes again. Eventually, Jack Whitehall and someone else, perhaps Jonothan Ross, wrestle Carr out of the suit. Even this is worth a watch, honestly! I wished I were in the audience, belly-laughing along. It’s not something I would usually have watched, switching on only because a friend wrote about how funny the show was.

All too soon, I was hunting for something else to watch, and decided to try Jools’ [Holland’s] Annual Hootenanny. Instantly I remembered a good few years ago, making a fuss because I wanted to watch the show rather than BBC Scotland’s coverage of Edinburgh’s New Years Eve Celebrations. That year however, I was reprimanded  rightly by a parent for being so rude, and put in my place, truth be told, it was not my thing. This year however, there was such a party atmosphere I felt as though I could almost have been there, dancing in my chair to the music and listening to the anecdotes from celebrity guests.

When it came to the countdown, I mouthed along with the audience. Just as 2013 arrived, I jumped due to an explosion of sound from my right; FIREWORKS! On the screen. the party continued, as did my jovial mood. One by one, friends descended on my Facebook page to wish ‘Happy New Year’.

If you’d asked me again, where would I rather be, I’d have said, nowhere, oh nowhere, but here.

‘what, only 3 things?’

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This post is based on the weekly writing challenge from 31/12/12

For a procrastinator like myself, this challenge is perfect. No time to waste… and 3 months to get tore in (before the world explodes!) Well, that’s the premise, anyhow. Three resolutions came to mind instantly. Two, I make every year and the third is a New New Years’ challenge. 

Challenge #1: There will be less of me this time next year (I can live in hope…)

The first is similar to that of many women in the developed world. This is the year i will lose weight. My reasons are personal. So’s I can move around much more easily, be in much less pain, and have more energy; the knock-on effect would hopefully ensure a clearer mind, therefore making next two challenges easier. John Bishop is on Jools Annual Hootenanny on the tele and has just announced his New Years resolution is to “get fat and throw pies at thin people” — Now there’s a challenge! 

Challenge #2 : Disciplined Disciple

I guess it’s natural to feel dissatisfied with myself in ways others I had no idea I was lacking in, many people could say that, I guess. The more specific aim of this is to manage to read my bible and pray at the beginning of the day, every single day, If I was honest, I’d say I manage this at some point in the day most days, but this year I plan to set my alarm early every morning and listen to UCB’s prayer and praise and have my quiet time. I feel so much better when I do. For me it’s all about cultivating better habits. which would hopefully in turn help me be more disciplined in other areas including food, exercise, and money, to name three I am concerned about. 

Challenge #3: To write every day

Since I bought a basic Kindle I‘ve begun read more widely. Books on prayer, thought-life, 4 different short daily devotional texts which I interchange or read at least three of, I’ve also started reading about women in the bible, and I am sure there are other topics on my kindle. One of the main things I started to do this year was to write seriously, with encouragement from dear friends, and family. I began to write for The Big Bible Project, I started to Tweet, (which is a form of writing, I guess) and, of course, I also started my blog, with encouragement from others. Very recently, I now also write for the lovely people at Bible Reflections. 

When taken together, all of that is a great start. However, in the coming year, I’d really like to build on this. I’ve begun to read Jeff Goins book You are a writer, so start acting like one. In it he writes of the need to prioritize writing every day, by eliminating distractions and writing sacrificially  dropping other other interests to make more time, where necessary. I was more than a little aware of how difficult this would be in my own situation given my circumstances, but I see how important it is. WordPress stats told me I only wrote 62 times this year, but there are more than 300 more days than that in a year, Of course, I wrote for the other projects I have previously mentioned, and occasionally also used suggestions from ‘The Write Practice’ and published them in the comments section when feeling brave! However, I plan to become much more dedicated this year, health permitting of course. I am aware that I may have to sacrifice more sleep… but so be it. 

Here’s to the New Year! Happy 2013, dear readers, especially to my ‘followers’ who read my blog regularly and encourage me with my writing. I couldn’t do this without you!

2012:1st yr of sat ‘n’ all that…

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Introduction to (my) faith, and disability

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This is my response to the daily prompt for 29/12/12: “Tell us about the role faith plays in your life-or doesn’t”. This is a MASSIVE question for me. Hopefully even occasional readers of my blog realise my Christian faith is a major part of my life, right from the beginning of my days. However, it’s not just my parents faith, but my own personal faith.

In the beginning…

I believe that I am created by a Father God who crafted me and knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139) 13-15 I am made in His image, that is, I show some characteristics of God because he made me. I believe He is a God who does not make mistakes, therefore, he knew what he was doing when he made me. He knew more than that. “All the days of my life were written in His Book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16 ) So if God knew what my life would be, did he create my disability, or did he just “allow it?” Is it just one of those things that ‘happens’? I have a lot of unanswered questions about why I have been through all that I have, not just having a disability, but being ill and unable to work as well, in pain the majority of the time and therefore requiring an electric wheelchair to get around, as well as all the normal ‘life’ stuff. (If you’d like to read more, see earlier post: Introduction to Illness and Disability).

Sometimes I have some answers, and sometimes I wonder why this, why then, when will this end? I won’t have answers to my questions until I am in Heaven. For now, however hard it is, I only see dimly. People have asked me before, how can I believe in God even though I have a disability? Well if I’m thinking straight, I think of it this way… How can I not? I have a constant reminder that by myself, on my own, I am weak, I need God to help me get through each day, to help me persevere through al that goes on. When I am weak, God is strong (2 Corinthians 12: 11).

What is this faith thing, anyway?

I believe that all the bad things I do, hurtful actions, sharp words, lustful thoughts and (all the rest!) are a barrier between me and a perfect God who cannot be contaminated by contact with my diseased soul, covered in grime from all the bad things I’ve done. However, because God loves everyone he has made, there had to be a sacrifice to make up for all the bad things I’ve done. Enter Jesus. It was while I was still a sinner, that Jesus died for me (2 Corinthians 12:10)

I believe that once Jesus grew up, when he was roughly 33 years old, he was an innocent man. who was tried and crucified for all the bad things I’ve done. He took the punishment I deserve and died in my place, bridging the gap between me and God, making me  God’s child, and He my Heavenly Father.  (see John 3: 16 and 17)  I’m fortunate to have an earthly father who I love and cherish  and a heavenly father who created me. loves me, and who sent his Son to die for me to bridge the gap. Because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I want to honour him by mirroring him, doing what Jesus would do and therefore showing the world who Jesus is.

So, what does all this mean for me, personally?

This means choosing to do the right thing even when I’m tired or in pain…. not moaning or complaining (I still do though! ). I don’t do things on my own. Jesus helps me. There’s a verse in the bible I love which explain the connection between what I believe, and my disability. If you only look at us, (me) you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious  Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. (1 Corinthians 4:7) . Basically  it’s God who powers me, who gives me the energy, I can’t do it by myself, but because God powers me, the credit goes to Him.

New Years Honours List: Unfailingly Controversial

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A right, or a privilege?

It’s published twice a year, always with a fanfare. To some it’s an ‘exclusive club’ they have no wish to read about, or care who belongs to it, for others, they think they should be part of it and moan when they’re not granted access, or at least, the ‘honour they believe they’re entitled to. It it, and always has been something that has to be earned. Arguments could rage from now until kingdom come whether so-and-so has done enough to achieve their particular honours, or whether they should have been given more, or less.

Different, or Equal

Paralympians have been complaining they have to do more to be given the same titles as their non-disabled counterparts. or that they haven’t been given the title they deserve. I’m unsure how I feel about this. Perhaps it’s right that they raise the subject, otherwise others are unaware discrimination continues, or perhaps it just sounds like sour grapes. I guess I’m somewhat indifferent to it. For me, it’s just a fact of life that we, as disabled people have to fight harder to achieve the same recognition. However, looking at it slightly differently, the same could be said over and over again. We, as disabled people have to fight harder to survive, as babies. Our parents often had to fight hard to get diagnoses,  treatment, equipment, help, the list goes on. We have to fight harder to learn to walk, or to get around, however that is, we have to fight harder to achieve as school, because we could be behind our peers to begin with, whether that be physically, intellectually  or because we need more time off school for hospital appointments  illness, or treatment such as physiotherapy. I vouch for no two disabled people having the same opinion on whether they felt they had to fight for these things or not, or whether they felt ‘ordinary’; no different from their peers to begin with, and therefore starting from a level playing field to begin with. There’s an argument to be had as to whether we should be taken out of school for things like physiotherapy or whether it should be separate from school altogether. However, I digress. I’m trying to say, that although Pearson and Weir may have a valid argument, it might be the case that we as disabled people always have to fight harder for the same things, and as such is a fact of life.

An honour, or a right?

However, the other argument is that it could seen as bad manners to be complaining thus, seeing as it’s just that, ‘an honour’, something earned, not achieved, a fact which Dame Sarah Storey was quick to recognise. (though I now can’t find a clip of her saying it!). It’s also true that some Olympians have more recognition than others, and the same goes for Paralympians. I had no idea Para-equestrian wonder-woman Sophie Christiansen had been made an OBE, (alongside the better known Ellie Simmonds) until I started searching for news articles before I wrote this post.

Christiansen is a personal heroine of mine, has cerebral palsy and a first in maths, of all things. In para-equestrian terms, she competes in the grade I a classification, the ‘worst’ level of disability. Unable to keep her feet in irons due to constant spasms, it is fascinating to watch the ways she works with her horse. Even more incredible when you realise that every horse she competes with is on loan, but that she has the ability to get the best out of each horse she borrows. All the more remarkable she achieves what she does, and therefore, more deserving of her honours than those who can afford the horses, staff or equipment they need. I hope one day to be able to post that Christiansen has been made a dame, until then, I must be content that Paralympians are at now least achieving recognition for their achievements, even if it’s not quite on the same level as their peers.

ouch, that hurt!

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This post is in answer to the daily post from 28/12/12. I LOVE books. I have several on the go at once. A few months ago I saved up vouchers and put them together to buy a Kindle 4; this model is the last of the simple ones. I love it! It makes it so much easier to have several books on the go at once, and still know where I’m at with them all. I did used to read a lot of romances, but these days they don’t have enough bite for me. I love a good autobiography to really get lost in someone else’s story, to feel what they feel and ‘walk in their shoes’. 

Recently though, I’ve been downloading different kinds of books. I saw a daily devotional book on the psalms at my friends house which looked good, so I downloaded that along with C.H. Spurgeon’s thoughts on the Psalms. It is worth persevering with the language, because some of what he has to say is extremely pertinent, just right for today, and can often make me think. 

Apart from that, there are a few others which have really made me think recently. One of those I do not wish to mention here. Others I am reading in preparation for my next article for Bible Reflections. That just leaves one more book, by Jerusha Clark called “Every Thought Captive” which encourages women to think about their thought life. It’s an odd thing, thinking about what you are thinking about, but a necessary part of discipleship, as previously discussed here, in my previous article for Bible Reflections. I started the book when I started thinking about that particular post, but it was something on my mind that I felt I had to do. It’s something I really struggle with. Also, I think it’s appropriate at the end of the year to take a bit of an inventory of the year gone. I’m not sure if I agree with setting arbitrary goals for the year ahead. However, I feel if I do not examine where I have been, how do I know where I’m going, and how do I learn from many) mistakes?  I’m really just at the start of this journey of considering my thought life, but one of the author’s opening thoughts really struck me:

Often it’s easier to believe that we’re worthless and weak than it is to truly accept that in God we are incomparably valuable and girded with matchless strength.

I’m still wondering why that is. I think it is to do with how hard it is to change our way of thinking. It is easier to worth with how we have always been than to make the effort to change. This particular thought has swirled round in my mind for weeks. I’ve been unable to move on. This has stung me again and again. There’ll be more thoughts on this book in the coming months. If you are starting to think about what you think, I’d really recommend it.

 

Three doors, one nightmare?

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This Daily Prompt is the original inspiration for this post. It’s difficult for me to write, as I don’t normally remember my nightmares. I’m on such heavy medication that I have deep foggy sleep where I barely dream, nevermind have nightmares, so until recently, I didn’t know what they felt like. Anyway, here is my best shot…

The beginning…

There are three doors, all of equal width apart, and all the same shade of blue, which white numbers on the door. Which do I pick? I close my eyes, spin around, and stumble vaguely in the direction of the doors, entering the first one I find. Disabled people are begging in the streets, painfully thin and stinking. There is a person with a disability trying to go the wrong way through the Christmas Crowd. Pushing, pushing with all their might. I can see the effort they have to put in. They are pale, sweating and exhausted. I reach out to try to help, but they cannot see me. Yet I cannot take my eyes off their struggle. I wonder, where is their support worker, why such struggle on their own? People in the crowd tut and glare at the person, swearing under their breath at the persons stupidity in trying to fight the crowd. The do not see the person or their struggle, merely the incontinence. I stare, helpless to do anything.

Memory of struggle

Slowly, a memory comes back to me. I was that person fighting the crowds. Sweating and fighting to stay on my feet, determined to push on. I hear it, I cannot miss it. The person does not try to hide their contempt. They shout at me, swearing. Supposedly under their breath, but loud enough for me to hear. The memory is but that. Part of my nightmare… long enough ago not to remember the words, near enough to remember the swearing and the contempt. They, and the crowd, and the fight was the reason I finally gave in. I’d had enough. The next time I went to fight the crowds, I had a weapon. Not a very secret one, but a weapon. One capable of inflicting harm, nipping ankles and causing more trouble. I do not care, I am only relived that I do not have the same struggle, I have a new struggle but it is not the same nightmare as the old one.

Exploring my surroundings

The memory disappears as quickly as it came. I wonder, what else is there here? I do as the person with a disability I saw, and fight the crowds. They cannot see me, yet are aware of an inconvenience.  Irritation upon irritation. I find a shop, filed with food and good things. Freshly baked bread, warm from the oven. Cakes of all kinds, glistening icing, full of shiny fruit. Chocolate cake, dark and indulgent. Lovely fruit juice, something to quench my thirst. I feel in my pocket, searching for money. I find a few coins, not enough to buy anything. I find my wallet, go to a cash machine, reaching the buttons with difficulty. I check my balance. There is nothing. I wonder when I will have more, and with horror realize I have a few days of not eating, meaning a hospital visit for dehydration. My money for that month had gone. I wonder, how have I spent it? Perhaps on my mobile phone bill? My connection to people, to help, an antidote to the aching loneliness which sometimes haunted me. Or my food shop, supposed to be for food, but spent on washing powder, cleaning products. I could go on, but cannot bear it. I feel it afresh. Deep and Raw. So, what do I do? Join the other beggars, it’s them who shout the loudest, and yet no-one hears me, so no one gives me anything, I am invisible to them.

A Nightmare?

I wake up shivering and sweating, struggling for breath. The pain rises in my chest, breath is harder to find. Eventually the feeling passes, and I drift into a sleep which gives no rest, fighting and fighting till I lose the duvet. I am freezing, yet I do not wake. In the morning, I go to put on my trousers. I used to have help to this. I reach into the pocket, and find a few coins. This was no nightmare…

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At the moment, this is just the stuff of nightmares. And yet, the present reality is bad enough. See my previous post. Who knows what will happen when “Universal Credit” comes in?