Somehow thoughts speed up,
whizzing, fizzing, spinning.
Over and over, round and round,
yet more thoughts abound.

Never forgetting, 
always regretting,
mistakes stretching back years, 
amplifying my fears,
rarely finding relrease in tears.

Fragments of memories,
barely able to pray,
thoughts stray,
no longer carefully boxed, 
running amock.

What if, when, what then?
What now, where, how?
do I write before 
my thoughts take flight?

Crabby. 
Sleep eludes me.
Again I try to pray.
Thoughts in further disary.

Writing everything but 
the most urgent,
reading everything but
books that link to my past,
a path not taken. 

Days passing ever quicker, 
lists ever longer,
desperate not to feel 
more regret.

Barely writing for half 
a decade,
suddenly can't stop
Mind on the brink
yet more thoughts fleeting,
some repeating.

Patterns formed over years,
highlighting my deepest feears.
Ugly thoughts always near, 
Not enough, smart enough, 
kind enough, clever enough.

Bad habits stick,
consistency was never a habit,
queue self-loathing,
some groaning,
am I not over this now?