Month: November 2022

White text on a bringht blue background. Text reads: The only one who can tell you you can't win is you and you don't have to listen." ~~ Jessica Ennis. Under the text it reads: How are you feeling today? With several weather-related options to choose, from rain to sunshine.

5 am again, and again

jacksdavieLeave a comment 
Somehow thoughts speed up,
whizzing, fizzing, spinning.
Over and over, round and round,
yet more thoughts abound.

Never forgetting, 
always regretting,
mistakes stretching back years, 
amplifying my fears,
rarely finding relrease in tears.

Fragments of memories,
barely able to pray,
thoughts stray,
no longer carefully boxed, 
running amock.

What if, when, what then?
What now, where, how?
do I write before 
my thoughts take flight?

Crabby. 
Sleep eludes me.
Again I try to pray.
Thoughts in further disary.

Writing everything but 
the most urgent,
reading everything but
books that link to my past,
a path not taken. 

Days passing ever quicker, 
lists ever longer,
desperate not to feel 
more regret.

Barely writing for half 
a decade,
suddenly can't stop
Mind on the brink
yet more thoughts fleeting,
some repeating.

Patterns formed over years,
highlighting my deepest feears.
Ugly thoughts always near, 
Not enough, smart enough, 
kind enough, clever enough.

Bad habits stick,
consistency was never a habit,
queue self-loathing,
some groaning,
am I not over this now?

Interlude

jacksdavieLeave a comment

Busy on another project today that’s not for my blog. Never been the most organised being in terms of scheduled posts. Sometimes I surprise myself though. 🙂

I do have at least one poem in progress.

Thanks for understanding.

Watch this space next week for new material.

Battles

jacksdavieLeave a comment 
Some of us really wanna
serve, teach, help with outreach.
All our energies go on survival.
I don't know what to do. 
Do I go?

Asleep almost on arrival,
serve or swerve, 
survive or thrive?
Unbidden memories scatter,
shatter, all over my battered heart. 

Church, it hurts.
Words flow around me as I snore,
softly.
Realising my mistake, 
Up I wake,
What did I miss?

I wish it wasn't so hard 
Concentration so fleetingly 
there, but  not. Fatigue, ever present,
I would weep, but
Time I have not.

Sweeping round the bairns,
In the direction of caffeine
 and sugar, in fright i halt.
Millimeters from disaster.

I kid you not, a child lay in front of me
Same shade of gray clothing as 
the carpet on which i roll, crisis only narrowly averted. 

Need that sugar now. 
Scalding coffee gulped, 
Round I spin, in the opposite direction 
I travelled mere minutes ago.


On i roll, apologetically excusing 
my existance, as I roll onwards
Watching in despair at the forming queue.
Please, can i go first?
Sorry again. 

I must get this taxi.
Not happy. No time 
with my friends but just one driver
For all the wobbly people, depending on motors, wheels, crutches, and a kindly face,  needing space and a friendly word

Reassurance that home is near, 
for fear of lateness,
 and being labelled a nuissance.
Necessary compromise, so we can keep the
One way I get from A to B quickly.


Home. Eat or sleep, 
weep or seek
Peace, tranquillity, 
Relief that all all that effort is done,
For One. MORE.WEEK.

Hair in all the ways…

jacksdavieLeave a comment 
Hair  in all the ways,
 dry shampoo for days.
Run the comb through,
call it done.

Shove a cap on my head,
 just out of bed,
Feeling rough.
Why are mornings so tough?

Make mine a double shot,
extra hot,
need all the coffee.
Music on loud.

Can still hear the buzzers, 
makes me shudder.
Then I wonder,
Will they ever stop?

Back to me,
now I need a wee,
Will I ever concentrate?
Getting irate at myself,
How do I stop the voices?

On and on they chant,
so much hate, 
Begging them to abate,
What would I say to a mate?

I'd remind them to be kind,
to themselves, tell them,
"'You're trying your best"',
Find a therapist,
and get some rest.





Thoughts swirl

jacksdavieLeave a comment 
Barely writing for
half a decade
suddenly can't stop.
Yet more thoughts tumble fleetingly
some repeating, 
some growing, never knowing,
From whence they came.

Patterns formed over years,
highlighting my deepest fears.
Ugly thougnts always  near
Not enough. Never kind enough, strong enough, clever enough, awake enough.

Bad habits stick
Consistency was never a habit. 
Queue self loathing,
Thoughts roaming,
Sometimes i'm groaning...
Am I not over this now?