‘seeing red’!

Yesterday’s daily post question is easily answered, although it will not make comfortable reading, for me at least! Many people think I cope with all I have to deal with pretty well, which I would agree with, to an extent, but part of it is because some of this is what I have always known However, I don’t like the way I don’t cope under pressure…

Well, if it’s other people’s pressure and they turn up at my  door, it’s fine. I’m good at helping them calm down, listening to their problem(s) making the tea, and praying with them as requested. I’ve had plenty of practice at this which is how I know. Put me in the same situation, however, and it’s entirely different…

Medical related crisis are a different matter. This time last year, it was nearing the end of the shift for my carer, but the stoma bag had ‘popped’ when we cleaned the stoma it bled much more than usual. Seeing as the agency have a ‘duty of care’ towards me, they would have been judged to be neglecting me had the carer not phoned the care co-ordinator for advice and then an ambulance  In that situation, I was the one calming the carer down, not the other way round. It was the same when I tipped my little wheelchair backwards and whacked my head of the pavement.I was very calm at the scene, got myself home and started ringing round friends to cadge a lift to A and E. When the doctor read the riot act, at me having chosen to go out on my own, and what could have happened. still I was calm.

Yesterday was a different story. If I could panic, I did. That means biting off others heads if they try to help with whatever I am in a state over. I’m not proud of that, at all! Anyway, between us we eventually found a solution. You’d think I’d learn!! Just as the same carer was five minutes away from finishing the shift,I realised I’d forgotten to ask anyone to hand my prescription in to the doctors, so I started to panic as there was a long list of medication I should have ordered. Cue massive panic. I phoned my friend who faithfully fills the tablet box every week, and she couldn’t remember if any of the tablets were urgent. This meant going through them, one by one and I have something like 15 different tablets. Cue more panicking. By that stage, I’m so in my own head it’s’ hard to calm down. It turned out I was only short of one medication  and I have enough of it till later on in the week, panic over. I calmed down and apologised.

There’s a couple of reasons for me being in such a flap – the first being that if I do not have a ‘quiet time’ bible study, which I hadn’t yesterday, it’s much harder to stay calm, for I am relying on my own resources, more than I should be. Also the consequences of so much medication is that they fight each other, meaning I can have migraines and the like, but also crippling tiredness, I’m often up in the night wit discomfort or pain disturbing my sleep even more. Like my Mum says, it isn’t an excuse for losing my temper or not coping. but it is phenomenally harder, especially recently. I have at least 4 medications which ramp up tiredness. Sometimes I can keep going, and other times I keep going when I should sleep!

How would I like to cope? Calmly and maturely obviously,  able to take a step back and evaluate problems or crisis’ calmly, and work out what to do or say, while still being kind to those around me. Sounds simple, doesn’t it!!

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