‘seeing red’!

Yesterday’s daily post question is easily answered, although it will not make comfortable reading, for me at least! Many people think I cope with all I have to deal with pretty well, which I would agree with, to an extent, but part of it is because some of this is what I have always known However, I don’t like the way I don’t cope under pressure…

Well, if it’s other people’s pressure and they turn up at my  door, it’s fine. I’m good at helping them calm down, listening to their problem(s) making the tea, and praying with them as requested. I’ve had plenty of practice at this which is how I know. Put me in the same situation, however, and it’s entirely different…

Medical related crisis are a different matter. This time last year, it was nearing the end of the shift for my carer, but the stoma bag had ‘popped’ when we cleaned the stoma it bled much more than usual. Seeing as the agency have a ‘duty of care’ towards me, they would have been judged to be neglecting me had the carer not phoned the care co-ordinator for advice and then an ambulance  In that situation, I was the one calming the carer down, not the other way round. It was the same when I tipped my little wheelchair backwards and whacked my head of the pavement.I was very calm at the scene, got myself home and started ringing round friends to cadge a lift to A and E. When the doctor read the riot act, at me having chosen to go out on my own, and what could have happened. still I was calm.

Yesterday was a different story. If I could panic, I did. That means biting off others heads if they try to help with whatever I am in a state over. I’m not proud of that, at all! Anyway, between us we eventually found a solution. You’d think I’d learn!! Just as the same carer was five minutes away from finishing the shift,I realised I’d forgotten to ask anyone to hand my prescription in to the doctors, so I started to panic as there was a long list of medication I should have ordered. Cue massive panic. I phoned my friend who faithfully fills the tablet box every week, and she couldn’t remember if any of the tablets were urgent. This meant going through them, one by one and I have something like 15 different tablets. Cue more panicking. By that stage, I’m so in my own head it’s’ hard to calm down. It turned out I was only short of one medication  and I have enough of it till later on in the week, panic over. I calmed down and apologised.

There’s a couple of reasons for me being in such a flap – the first being that if I do not have a ‘quiet time’ bible study, which I hadn’t yesterday, it’s much harder to stay calm, for I am relying on my own resources, more than I should be. Also the consequences of so much medication is that they fight each other, meaning I can have migraines and the like, but also crippling tiredness, I’m often up in the night wit discomfort or pain disturbing my sleep even more. Like my Mum says, it isn’t an excuse for losing my temper or not coping. but it is phenomenally harder, especially recently. I have at least 4 medications which ramp up tiredness. Sometimes I can keep going, and other times I keep going when I should sleep!

How would I like to cope? Calmly and maturely obviously,  able to take a step back and evaluate problems or crisis’ calmly, and work out what to do or say, while still being kind to those around me. Sounds simple, doesn’t it!!

extra-ordinary ordinaryness

Image

 

This is in answer to the daily post from 13/1/13. Would love to know what you think, and how you would describe where you are sat. This is the premise: 

Explore the room you’re in as if you’re seeing it for the first time. Pretend you know nothing. What do you see? Who is the person who lives there?

 

One sneaky glance, what do I see

At first glance, I don’t see anything unusual, just looks like an average living room in an average flat. The sofa splits the room and separates living room and kitchen, instead of a coffee table there is a sleek black circular table, covered in letters and cards from family and friends. There is a small flat screen television in the corner of the room, and in the bottom of the unit on which the television sits is a pile if of papers and magazines and a box of various cards, waiting to be sent as and wen there is need to,

Suddenly there is a vibration and an intrusive sound which refuses to stop. Startled, I wonder what it is, until the person who lives there tips up the noisy box and a few tablets slide out. 

Next to the television is the laptop, screen broken from one too many falls, and a digital radio sits, lifeless, on the unit waiting to be charged, next to the ironing basket with a few clothes waiting to be ironed. Next to that, are many more clothes and bed sheets, haphazardly place on the airier. This takes my eye into the kitchen which makes up the other half of the sitting room. The kitchen too, is crowded. In the taller unit at this far end sit a silver fridge and freezer. Next to that a few things are sat on the unit. On a cake rack sits a fresh bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread. A small weighing sale sits underneath that. Next to the rack is a dried up bunch of Christmas flowers that have seen better days, and a bright red bowl of soup. 

Finally I notice a few other things about the unit, how it is shorter that your average kitchen unit, with an induction cooker hob set into it. At the back of the hob sits a hot water bottle in a spotty cover, and a book of one pot recipes, a small frying pan sat just in front of it. Underneath part of that unit are a full small grey rubbish bin and an almost empty blue tub which serves as laundry basket. The next unit is much emptier, some would say tidier, containing only a black flask and empty plastic container, along with part of a small food processor. 

The rest of the kitchen is more conventional, the small dish rack full of clean dishes, as is the draining rack, the basin empty. The washing machine, with a full drum sits underneath it, and the silver microwave, silent, on the top of the next unit, next to a strange looking kettle and a silver toaster. Finally my eye sports the oven and yet another couple of cupboards. Such a lot to take in. 

None of those say much about the person who sits in the room, silent and half asleep.. A smile on their face, though it does not reach tired eyes. I look at the person more closely, wondering why they’re sat in a big clunky wheelchair. What happened to them to leave them that way? I’m lost in my thoughts as I look into the room, unusually quiet. I think of the room again, which certainly  can’t be described as ‘tidy’. Cozy perhaps, or lived in’. There’s a peacefulness in the room not often found. Just as quietly as I looked into the room, I turn around, slipping out unnoticed, leaving the smiling lady to her slumber.

Ice cream yummiest food ever oh and. The memories

Either of those. Love unusual flavours like lemon sorbet or pistachio. I always have a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in the freezer. I used to love the ‘Baskin Robins’ shops with all those flavours to choose from. No ice cream for me though, as I’m trying to keep my new years resolution…!

ouch, that hurt!

This post is in answer to the daily post from 28/12/12. I LOVE books. I have several on the go at once. A few months ago I saved up vouchers and put them together to buy a Kindle 4; this model is the last of the simple ones. I love it! It makes it so much easier to have several books on the go at once, and still know where I’m at with them all. I did used to read a lot of romances, but these days they don’t have enough bite for me. I love a good autobiography to really get lost in someone else’s story, to feel what they feel and ‘walk in their shoes’. 

Recently though, I’ve been downloading different kinds of books. I saw a daily devotional book on the psalms at my friends house which looked good, so I downloaded that along with C.H. Spurgeon’s thoughts on the Psalms. It is worth persevering with the language, because some of what he has to say is extremely pertinent, just right for today, and can often make me think. 

Apart from that, there are a few others which have really made me think recently. One of those I do not wish to mention here. Others I am reading in preparation for my next article for Bible Reflections. That just leaves one more book, by Jerusha Clark called “Every Thought Captive” which encourages women to think about their thought life. It’s an odd thing, thinking about what you are thinking about, but a necessary part of discipleship, as previously discussed here, in my previous article for Bible Reflections. I started the book when I started thinking about that particular post, but it was something on my mind that I felt I had to do. It’s something I really struggle with. Also, I think it’s appropriate at the end of the year to take a bit of an inventory of the year gone. I’m not sure if I agree with setting arbitrary goals for the year ahead. However, I feel if I do not examine where I have been, how do I know where I’m going, and how do I learn from many) mistakes?  I’m really just at the start of this journey of considering my thought life, but one of the author’s opening thoughts really struck me:

Often it’s easier to believe that we’re worthless and weak than it is to truly accept that in God we are incomparably valuable and girded with matchless strength.

I’m still wondering why that is. I think it is to do with how hard it is to change our way of thinking. It is easier to worth with how we have always been than to make the effort to change. This particular thought has swirled round in my mind for weeks. I’ve been unable to move on. This has stung me again and again. There’ll be more thoughts on this book in the coming months. If you are starting to think about what you think, I’d really recommend it.