Advent 2022

Quietly waiting

I’ve lived in an institution for 6 years now. Made my peace with it the majority of the time in a, “I know this is where I need to be” way, given my various diagnoses, known and unknown and my fluctuating level of medical need. I’m still independent spirited, but do spend a lot of time waiting for all sorts of things.

Be that medication, meals, assistance from staff with all manner of things,  waiting for phone calls or on hold, letters, the pharmacy. This doesn’t include all the time sitting still ish, or lying in bed. I like to think waiting is something I’ve become practised at, patiently, though like most people, there are times waiting is frustrating or down right hard.

If I waited to feel rested for example, that almost never happens. This is when I need to remind myself that there’s good things to wait for too. Advent, Christmas jumper/t-shirt day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, a meal with immediate family. Not sure what else to add to the list, but there’ll be more.

It seems like most days now it is hard to be among other residents given escalating behaviours. Waiting for these to be dealt with, much less change, it one of the very hardest things. Praying for change is a very positive action, though obviously waiting for it is hard.

Not just praying for change, but praying that Emmanuel, God with us, would make Himself known in this place of anger, resentment, lashing out, and more.Praying and waiting for these cycles of behaviour to improve, and for hearts to be change feels impossible much of the time. A changed place from when I moved in some 6 years ago.

Then I remember times God has moved in impossible situations in the past. Revealing Himself to flatmates at University, and to other friends at different times. Ways He has worked in my own life, and in the present, that He’s with me. How easily I forget this amazing truth. Activelywaiting for God in three persons to reveal Themselves afresh to me, to family and friends, and to all who find themselves reading this.

friends, family and favourites

oooh, this is awkward…

Today’s daily post is an awkward question to answer, as I don’t actually have a favourite person, if we’re talking ‘significant other’ as it were. I talked this over with a friend, and they say said, why didn’t I immediately say Jesus was my favourite person?  True enough, that’s what I should have said. As a Christian, I should  put Jesus first, before anyone or anything, my first love. Time I walk away is still harder than time with Him. I can answer the question a different way…

Jesus should be ‘my favourite’?

 

I know, looking back He’s enabled me to me walk through so many difficulties in the past few years. Things I’ve already written about, including failing my teaching degree, being ill and trying to pass a Master’s degree. Add to that, complicated major surgery, becoming a full-time wheelchair user, starting to need carers two-three times a day, and managing The Bag. There’s no way I’d still here without Him and I know He’s there for me every moment of every day, and in the happy moments too. In these times I’m reminded I am to rejoice in everything, and have joy even in the tough times. I’m still learning those things!

As I’ve written before, many of my friends are my favourite people, along with my parents. I still feel quite dependent on them, really. Odd, considering I live independently, and for the most part, have done since 2001,  That said, I owe everything to them, for lots of reasons, and often miss them. My Gran’s another favourite person as we’re quite close, and she’s a kind of mentor to me.

 

waiting

 

Maybe, just maybe

who else? Well… I haven’t met them yet, and they haven’t met me. That is. if there is someone, or if God has something else, something he considers better for me. These things aren’t easy to write. Traditionally, there’s a focus on family, in churches, and usually, Christians who hold similar views to me marry young. My parents try to encourage me with anecdotes of women they know who are older than me and still faithfully waiting for the person God has for them, and if they do not show up, they will not settle for less. Oh how I admire their discipline. I know I don’t want to compromise  but sometimes the temptation is great.

which is ‘better’; single or married?

 

According to some friends I’m good at being perceptive about people in their lives, but by my admission, sometimes hopeless with my own. I’m also aware, if I marry the wrong person, being with them, and coping with all my health problems would be hell. It feels like so much pressure sometimes, and a bit of a relief to stay single. Other times, I’d like the someone special… especially when I look at friends who have found ‘the one’ but at the same time, it hits me that I should keep waiting because it might be worth it eventually. I’m hyper-aware of the tendency to ‘over-share’… enough now.