(tell me why) I don’t like Mondays…

As it is Monday today, I have been acutely aware a blog post was due, having been asleep and unable to fuction for the majority of Saturday, and out for the majority of Sunday, I have had no chance to schedule a post ahead of time. Yesterday, I had to get the minibus to church with my little wheelchair as the big chair is awaiting a repair and was too unreliable to drive, and could have halted at any given minute. Having the little chair meant being able to go from home to minibus to church, to my friends car, and into their house, and vice versa later on. Hard work for me, but means I can still visit my friends houses occasionally, giving me a bit of a life, meaning I am not completely housebound. Of course, relying of this kind of assistance just to cross the threshold from my flat to the big bad outdoors means I am still housebound for the majority of the time. I did have a good day with my friends, who were not in the least bit bothered that I napped in my little chair for the best part of an hour between 5 and 6 pm. I am so thankful for that, as it meant I did not have to rush away as soon as I had eaten, but I could spend more time with them once I awoke. My friend’s daughter has learnt how to take my arm when i need to borrow her for a few steps, and also now knows how to fold my chair, I think this is fantastic because she has learned these things young, and can help others too. Useful in a church such as ours where the split between able-bodied and ill or disabled is a least 60-40, far higher than in society at large.

Fast forward a few hours, and I awoke exhausted from yesterdays exertion. I awoke when MainCarer pressed entry buzzer but fell asleep between letting him into my flat and him finishing sorting things in the other room. Bummer. I jumped awake when he came through, spazzing from head to toe. I struggled through strip wash and getting dressed, and managed most of my bacon sandwich, and my tablets. After a little rest, I think I dozed again, until I realised my stoma bag had split everywhere, barely an hour after main carer had left. I dithered, wondering briefly if I should attempt to change it before common sense prevailed. I decided the most sensible thing was to wait for the nurse or an assistant, whoever was due to do that morning’s treatment. Before long, I heard the entry buzzer being pressed again about 9am. Help had arrived, and by 9.30am, had left. Dressed in clean underwear and jogging bottoms, I slowly and painfully clicked my way through to the living room with my Zimmer frame to start my list of emails and calls, much like some of you would do this as part of your job.

It wasn’t long before I cried out to the Lord ot help and strengthen me, as I felt completely unable to function. Just at the right moment, I saw the following Spurgeon quote which ‘Flowing Faith’ posted on Facebook:

Let this one great, gracious, glorious fact lie in your spirit until it permeates all your thoughts and makes you rejoice even though you are without strength. Rejoice that the Lord Jesus has become your strength and your song – He has become your salvation.
~ Spurgeon

This became my morning’s heartfelt plea, and prayer. Two hours later, I am much more exhausted than before, with all 5 items on the list attempted, two voice mails left, one person having called back and another two still to do so, with two emails still to have answers to. I don’t feel as though the morning has been a success, as most of the list is still to be completed by others. My head is splitting and my heart heavy, and I feel slightly nauseous. I desperately need to sleep, but would likely sleep through and miss any calls, should they be returned while I nap.

In the middle of my business, and busy-ness, a friend text me to say they were on the way to a holiday in a sea-side town in the next region to the one in which I now live, with who else by my former ‘someone special’ as they felt I had a right to know. I cannot begin to describe my heartache, as we no longer speak; it being just too painful. They then proceeded to tell me they had wanted to visit while they were so near, but my ex refused. Expected but still very difficult to deal with, especially as ex had insisted next holiday would be abroad, and they could not come and see me, and were unlikely to be passing and see me that way… and then I find out they are visiting the next region. I hardly know how to feel, except I think this is adding to the nausea.

Doing my ‘jobs’ was only a partial distraction. The friend I who hosted me and others yesterday remarked recently said she understood why I consider my health to be job, partly because the phone calls and emails I do are also part of what she does at work, and partly because of how much time everything takes and the extra effort required due to my illness and disability. About 10.45 – 11 am, my temperature began to rise, and I started to sweat. I think this is from the effort of everything. Now I am sat, I have cooled a little, though I am still desperate to sleep.

The receptionist who answered my first call claimed to ‘understand’ that my chair is out of action, but was unable to process paperwork or make repair appointments any faster. This may well be the case, but please, please, do not claim to understand my situation. I am physically, mentally and emotionally spent and it is not yet lunchtime. I keep jolting awake every few minutes, and attempt to type a few more letters before I doze off again.

I have written this to try to help friends, family, and those who follow my posts to realise what life can be like for someone like me. Of course, the reality will be slightly different for each of us unable to work, but there will still be plenty similarities, like having very few spoons to begin with, the effort and time everything takes and the effort required to do it.

Small spoon
Small spoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Main carer will arrive soon, meaning I can hopefully sleep while he does some jobs and waits for my phone to ring. I cannot wait!

From Nothing to Something

I am dreaming big dreams…

Daily Prompt: A Plot of Earth

.You’re given a plot of land and have the financial resources to do what you please. What’s the plan?

Wednesday’s daily prompt is a ‘no-brainer’ for me.  I immediately knew what I would do. My church has looked for land for sometime. Not just to do the obvious; build a church but also a new kind of community centre where people can go to spend time there, or groups can meet. There’s not anything else like this in the area. There is not much to do otherwise. There is a small café run by a local church. A Godsend. There will be the new health and well-being centre too which is partly funded by the supposedly broke local council. Perhaps this will fulfill some of the need, who knows. Even so it can’t meet the dire spiritual need.

People need to know they are loved

There a lot of elderly people round where I live, because everything you might immediately need is in a compact area, so there’s no need to walk far. A small supermarket, two doctors surgeries, good local bus links. You have to go anywhere, really to be able to do something. There is a small outreach thing for older people who I considered volunteering for, but I don’t think that is enough. In winter, lots of people are in even more need. In the winter of 2010, lots of people had no way of getting basic food shopping and heating, as many seem to have pre-paid meters. I’d love it if we were able to provide extra groups for elderly people, just somewhere for people to go, have a cup of tea and some company, maybe get help or advice. No agendas other than being there for people. It would let me set up a group for disabled people too, as there is no accessible venue which is not in a church, the local community school being adverse to ‘religious people. I don’t know what else we’d want to set up.

We are fortunate, that in general we have somewhere to meet on a Sunday. It’s award when that goes wrong, and I know church as a whole would love to be able to do more. At the same time Church is full of busy people and I am not sure we would have time for all this. We know though that there are many people in need on the estate that just need to know the Saviour’s love and acceptance  more than meeting basic needs like providing food, or debt advice or a listening ear. In the absence of a land-fairy, I will keep dreaming of a transformed place of life, hopefully in this life, and not just in the next, as we are called to live sacrificial lives. One day…